I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking, just pondering
over what has happened and why? A lot has happened lately, a lot of
questions have been answered but they’ve left me with more questions, worse
questions if that makes any sense whatsoever. I've started asking so many
questions to the point I've even started beating myself up about the entire
situation which isn’t healthy I know.
I understand to a certain extent that it wasn’t my fault,
everything happens for a reason and she’s gone, but it doesn’t make accepting
the facts any easier.
I don’t think I have grieved
entirely, but then when do you ever get over something like this?
I’m just scared, I’ve done so well moving forward, focusing on my
life and family I now feel as though I’m taking one step forward and five steps
back.
I’ve lost all motivation; I don’t even want to get out of
bed. I think my friends have begun noticing signs as well; I’ve been so distant
lately, and my emotions are running high. I cried the other day in my local
ASDA store because I couldn’t find any decent Apples, now before you suggest
depression, it’s not. I’m aware of how depression feels, and if I was to become
depressed I know what actions to take, I don’t know – I just feel lost. I’m putting
on the front though, the last thing I need right now, or want is my babies to
pick up on this.
So many mixed emotions, I just want my baby girl back.
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